They're Back..

For the first time since i've been without you, these nightmares have come back.. and they get worse and weirder by the night..

Well, my first one, is linked to my bi polar, because it all started out fine but then i somehow seemed to discover i had split personality disorder which is similar to BP coz of the different mood swings and such and BP can lead to split personality. But anyway, there was me, and this freaky looking demon thing that looked similar to something out of grave encounters, and talked by making these clicking noises (NOT like a chicken! :L) and then there was another side that resembled this small boy for some reason, and also looked like some fucking demon shit and it went on and i kept fighting and finding these sides of my personality and then for some reason the first freaky looking one took over me and killed me and what not and it just really freaked me out, because of my bi polar, it made me wonder if that could ever become that bad but :/ yh..

my second one, was just really weird, i dont even remember half of it, but it made me wake up crying, so it must have been fairly bad coz i rarely wake up like that :/

I thought you'd made them disappear. You fought away those demons, and made me feel peacful.. But i guess even saviours cant live forever. :/

---

'But who am I supposed to tell

I have no one to confide in

I have few friends because trust is something I’m not capable of

I’m too selfish for people to want to know me

I want to run far from here

I want to waste away and disappear forever

But most of all I want to show this to someone

I want to click post and see peoples response

Or I want someone to say hi and ask me how I am

And make me tell them the truth

Force me to face the fact I’m not always fine

I want to split open my skin and watch the blood pour

I’m sick in the mind

My pain excites me

Haunts ever fibre of my being 

I’m tired

So tired

But not from lack of sleep

I’m tired of being alive

HELP ME PLEASE

I don’t want to make it any more

I don’t care who I hurt

I hurt

I want to float like a feather

I fail at life

So please I welcome death

Let me succeed at something

Please…'

I try so hard.

'I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me'


'I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me'

'Even when I'm walking on a wire

Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible'

You'll never understand. You can't.

I just wish i knew what to do. I feel like im stuck in the middle, not knowing whether to go forward and leave it for good, or to wait, see what happens, and try my hardest. 


Like, at the moment, i dont know how to be around you, because the other day, you said ' if we start meet up lot more, and hangeing out to gether, spending nights to gether, talkeing more, and getting close mates again like real close mates like we was befor, not that we not now but you no wha i mean, see how things go then, cos if every thing going well, if the feelisgs are there and time right, could go ferther ?' (your exact words) and then the night before last, you were saying about laura and how you were gnna wait for her, and stuff like that... so you said before about us being closer... and then that you were waiting for laura... :/ and it really confused me :/ So now i don't know what to think? If you meant doing both at the same time, if that makes sense, then fair enough but, i just dont know. 


I try and try so hard, to change how i feel, and try to ignore it, but no matter what i do, it wont go away, or change, and my thoughts are still the same. I still think of you, and everything we did together. And at the same time, wish could just do it again, but cant. :/

sorry if this isnt really what you want to hear or read, but, :/ 

maybe today.

Everyone says the pain will get less as time passes, but i don't believe them. I think they only say it so you can face getting out of bed every day. You think 'today might be the day'.. But it never is.

Forever or a Moment, What's the Difference..

“I’ve never been scared of someone before. Sometimes maybe a little intimidated but never scared. But you, you scare me with your beautiful brown eyes and your amazing smile. I’m so scared that I’ll want to love you for forever and you’ll only want me for a few moments in your life.”

Unimaginable.

I don’t know what you’ve got that makes me smile.
Every time you laugh, or smile,
hug me,
and tell me how beautiful I am to you,
that smile suddenly appears.
I can’t imagine how to live without you,
you’re the only one who’s ever drawn such a beautiful curve on my plain face.
I guess the only reason is because I love you, and that’s that ..

If it means anything at all..

In case you hadnt realised yet, it's you. it always has been. There's no one else in my eyes. You are just the most amazing person i know, and made me happier than i ever thought i was capable of feeling. Surely that's got to be worth something? Not one day goes by when i dont think of you or wish it could be different. Or that i wish i could be the one who makes you just as happy.
I have not loved you any less than before. In fact, no matter how hard i try, the smallest hings you do, the funny things you do, and the things you say, its just makes me feel more, because you're just such a genuine person. When i said before, about future and life, and marriage, etc, as a 17 year old, it might sound stupid to some, but i meant every word. And i still do. And it frustrates me sometimes, seeing you running after laura or someone who isnt remotely interested, when there's already someone who is willing to give everything and share everything with you. And someone who loves you and cares about you more than anyone. And someone who would give you all that in an instant if they were given the time and chance to.
I couldn't imagine my life without you anymore, because i've met so many people in my life, but i've never met anyone who genuinely changed me for the better, and made me feel like a better person like you have. Sure that has to count for something too.. I've met so many people in my life, and the exs that i have, yh, they may have a few good things about them, but genuinely, you are the only person i've ever met/liked that has everything, in one person that i see or look for or anything like that. Being funny, kind, caring, having a genuinely warm heart, and clearly having so much love for your friends and family, means more to me than any gift or looks someone may have. And to me, to find someone like that is very difficult, but i have, and i think it'd stupid for me to just forget that.
The truth is, i miss everything. Everything we used to do, even the smallest things. the cuddles, walking around college/town holding each others hands and not caring about what others think, being able to sit in each other's company and just be so content, the kisses, just everything. It all meant and still means so much to me, but i hate that i cant do that anymore, because given the chance, id do it all again, even just once, jsut to be able to do that, would mean everything. And i'd be so happy...
But, i dont know how much impact or how much this will mean to you, but, i still love you.. bascially, i always have, even through our massive fight. I never stopped loving you. So, yeah. Anythign you want to say after this, good or bad, ill accept. Im not expecting anything, because i know you're feelings are for someone else.. but i live in a world of hope. (: