They're Back..

For the first time since i've been without you, these nightmares have come back.. and they get worse and weirder by the night..

Well, my first one, is linked to my bi polar, because it all started out fine but then i somehow seemed to discover i had split personality disorder which is similar to BP coz of the different mood swings and such and BP can lead to split personality. But anyway, there was me, and this freaky looking demon thing that looked similar to something out of grave encounters, and talked by making these clicking noises (NOT like a chicken! :L) and then there was another side that resembled this small boy for some reason, and also looked like some fucking demon shit and it went on and i kept fighting and finding these sides of my personality and then for some reason the first freaky looking one took over me and killed me and what not and it just really freaked me out, because of my bi polar, it made me wonder if that could ever become that bad but :/ yh..

my second one, was just really weird, i dont even remember half of it, but it made me wake up crying, so it must have been fairly bad coz i rarely wake up like that :/

I thought you'd made them disappear. You fought away those demons, and made me feel peacful.. But i guess even saviours cant live forever. :/

---

'But who am I supposed to tell

I have no one to confide in

I have few friends because trust is something I’m not capable of

I’m too selfish for people to want to know me

I want to run far from here

I want to waste away and disappear forever

But most of all I want to show this to someone

I want to click post and see peoples response

Or I want someone to say hi and ask me how I am

And make me tell them the truth

Force me to face the fact I’m not always fine

I want to split open my skin and watch the blood pour

I’m sick in the mind

My pain excites me

Haunts ever fibre of my being 

I’m tired

So tired

But not from lack of sleep

I’m tired of being alive

HELP ME PLEASE

I don’t want to make it any more

I don’t care who I hurt

I hurt

I want to float like a feather

I fail at life

So please I welcome death

Let me succeed at something

Please…'

I try so hard.

'I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me'


'I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me'

'Even when I'm walking on a wire

Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible'

You'll never understand. You can't.

I just wish i knew what to do. I feel like im stuck in the middle, not knowing whether to go forward and leave it for good, or to wait, see what happens, and try my hardest. 


Like, at the moment, i dont know how to be around you, because the other day, you said ' if we start meet up lot more, and hangeing out to gether, spending nights to gether, talkeing more, and getting close mates again like real close mates like we was befor, not that we not now but you no wha i mean, see how things go then, cos if every thing going well, if the feelisgs are there and time right, could go ferther ?' (your exact words) and then the night before last, you were saying about laura and how you were gnna wait for her, and stuff like that... so you said before about us being closer... and then that you were waiting for laura... :/ and it really confused me :/ So now i don't know what to think? If you meant doing both at the same time, if that makes sense, then fair enough but, i just dont know. 


I try and try so hard, to change how i feel, and try to ignore it, but no matter what i do, it wont go away, or change, and my thoughts are still the same. I still think of you, and everything we did together. And at the same time, wish could just do it again, but cant. :/

sorry if this isnt really what you want to hear or read, but, :/ 

maybe today.

Everyone says the pain will get less as time passes, but i don't believe them. I think they only say it so you can face getting out of bed every day. You think 'today might be the day'.. But it never is.

Forever or a Moment, What's the Difference..

“I’ve never been scared of someone before. Sometimes maybe a little intimidated but never scared. But you, you scare me with your beautiful brown eyes and your amazing smile. I’m so scared that I’ll want to love you for forever and you’ll only want me for a few moments in your life.”

Unimaginable.

I don’t know what you’ve got that makes me smile.
Every time you laugh, or smile,
hug me,
and tell me how beautiful I am to you,
that smile suddenly appears.
I can’t imagine how to live without you,
you’re the only one who’s ever drawn such a beautiful curve on my plain face.
I guess the only reason is because I love you, and that’s that ..

If it means anything at all..

In case you hadnt realised yet, it's you. it always has been. There's no one else in my eyes. You are just the most amazing person i know, and made me happier than i ever thought i was capable of feeling. Surely that's got to be worth something? Not one day goes by when i dont think of you or wish it could be different. Or that i wish i could be the one who makes you just as happy.
I have not loved you any less than before. In fact, no matter how hard i try, the smallest hings you do, the funny things you do, and the things you say, its just makes me feel more, because you're just such a genuine person. When i said before, about future and life, and marriage, etc, as a 17 year old, it might sound stupid to some, but i meant every word. And i still do. And it frustrates me sometimes, seeing you running after laura or someone who isnt remotely interested, when there's already someone who is willing to give everything and share everything with you. And someone who loves you and cares about you more than anyone. And someone who would give you all that in an instant if they were given the time and chance to.
I couldn't imagine my life without you anymore, because i've met so many people in my life, but i've never met anyone who genuinely changed me for the better, and made me feel like a better person like you have. Sure that has to count for something too.. I've met so many people in my life, and the exs that i have, yh, they may have a few good things about them, but genuinely, you are the only person i've ever met/liked that has everything, in one person that i see or look for or anything like that. Being funny, kind, caring, having a genuinely warm heart, and clearly having so much love for your friends and family, means more to me than any gift or looks someone may have. And to me, to find someone like that is very difficult, but i have, and i think it'd stupid for me to just forget that.
The truth is, i miss everything. Everything we used to do, even the smallest things. the cuddles, walking around college/town holding each others hands and not caring about what others think, being able to sit in each other's company and just be so content, the kisses, just everything. It all meant and still means so much to me, but i hate that i cant do that anymore, because given the chance, id do it all again, even just once, jsut to be able to do that, would mean everything. And i'd be so happy...
But, i dont know how much impact or how much this will mean to you, but, i still love you.. bascially, i always have, even through our massive fight. I never stopped loving you. So, yeah. Anythign you want to say after this, good or bad, ill accept. Im not expecting anything, because i know you're feelings are for someone else.. but i live in a world of hope. (:

For What It's Worth.

'I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think i have it easy? Do they think i have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who i am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things i've had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as i can, and i guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That i never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken i am, and how i'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will ever know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why i am the way i am.'


'I believed you and trusted you when people told me not to. I defended you, and stuck up for you. Instead you broke my heart all over again. I ask myself everyday why i was so stupid. I can only come up with one answer, I'm still in love with you.... Pathetic.'

Dixon. 8 Years & Counting.

My dearest Megan,

You brought tears to my eyes… i am so thankful that i have you in my life, and the fact that my friends are very few does not bother me anymore, for i have you, and having you makes me content and pleased… i am always honoured to be the keeper of your biggest secrets, fears, hopes and dreams. This means the world to me.. and i want you to know that they are never a burden on me. Our friendship is a miracle itself.. a bless.. a strength that enables us to go on along this bumpy road knowing things will be just fine, because at the end of the day, we know we each have someone who cares about us no matter what happens or what wrong we may do.I can never judge you, nor feel agitated about anything you do or say.

Thank you for everything that you are, and everything that you are not. Growing up you were more like my sister than anything else to me. You have loved me on days that I was unlovable, you have pulled me though times when I felt I was drowning in sorrow, and you have definitely cried with me from laughing uncontrollably at time when it wasn't appropriate to even giggle. You have been my best friend since before I knew what the word friend meant. I love you, and I want you to know, feel, and understand just how much you mean to me. You have had to deal with things in your life that I wish I could just erase, and you came though it all a stronger person. Now when I see you, I am simply amazed by you. You have such strength, and pride.

You have been there with me through it all, and I love you more than ever before. I hope that nothing ever comes between our friendship, and that we grow old and grey together. We have to make it through to show everyone that it is possible to have someone so close but so far away. That you do not need to see each other every day to be able to know that there is someone who truly cares about you. I have known you for the best part of 8 years now, and you mean the absolute world to me. I will cherish our memories and the laughs we've shared forever. You matter more to me than anyone on this earth. No matter what happens, i'm always here for you. Although we're young and people say friendships don't last, i promise ours will. No matter where you go or who you become, i will be there with you. You matter so much to me, you're so beautiful and kind and sweet. You make me smile when i least want to, and treat me better than any friend i've ever had or deserve to be. You deserve better than the things you put up with. Never let yourself go. Stay strong and sweet and kind and generous and funny and brave and do great things. You've become the person i care about most, whenever you need anything, i'm here. If you need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a laugh to hear, a hug to feel, words to listen to, anything, i'm always here. you're so beautiful, i couldn't be more proud of you if i tried. You're doing what you love, following your dreams and doing hat you want without regards of what could stop you. And i admire and love you for that. Thank for being the greatest person and friend i will ever meet. And thank you for being the single being inspiration in my entire life. I know in my heart i would not be here without you. I love you so much, thank you for being my best friend.  ♥ ♥ ♥

I Believe in Nothing, But The Truth in Who We Are.

So, before you this, please don't laugh, judge or think i'm joking or anything. Because this was a very serious thing that i had thought of very carefully ad for a long time, because it meant a lot to me to even contemplate such a thing. Also, PLEASE read this all the way through before deciding what to reply because, i've never have, and probably never will tell anyone else in my whole life, and it's important :/

I guess i'll start by saying that when i was younger i saw how relationships and marriages, etc could go so horribly wrong and the arguments, fights, and all the crap that goes with it. And for years afterwards and even now, i always told my mum that i didn't want to get married or go through anything like that, because it can cause so much hurt and problems if it goes wrong afterwards. And still to this day, i still tell my mum that i will only marry if that person is 100% right, and nothing is wrong. Otherwise, i would rather live by myself.

But, i also remember my mum saying that if i found someone who brought out the best in me, or made me the better person i am now, or could just make me happier than ever before, then that would be the person to marry. I don't whether to believe her anymore though, or to just accept i am going to live with myself.

So, this is kind of the big long thought i had for such a long time and kinda meant a lot coz i've never ever felt or thought of someone in this kinda way or been able to visualize something like that happening with anyone. But i basically, when we first went out, i first thought about it, and thought about it more, until i kind of almost certain.. But at the same time slightly dismissed it because i didn't know why i was thinking it. But when we went out again, it just made my mind up. Made me sure and know for definite it was what i wanted. That if it had been long enough, and i knew you wouldn't freak out, i would've married you. Whether it be legal in the UK or not... I would've, happily, and truly. The worst part i guess is that i still would. :/ It was such a beautiful thought to me, and kind of different, and i loved it. And i'll hold it with me forever. Even if we were to never see or speak to each other again in the future. (Which i don't want to happen but still) It was something i wanted more because it would've meant being with you for so long.

Once again, i dont want to make you feel bad or awkward, but just, wanted to tell someone but i know any of my friends would laugh or make silly remarks about it.. :/

The Beginning of the End.

This is crippling me. Like you're choking me without even touching me. It's tearing me up, down and all over inside me. Inside my mind. Like a part of my mind and self are still attached to you and won't let go. Knowing i should just let go and leave it, but something tells me not to, just another constant inward battle to fight with myself. The ones only i can fight myself, because to anyone else they simply don't exist.


So, being honest here, because it's what people have told me to be. Because i guess you can't really be anything else with stuff like this. But, people also told me things like 'you don't need her' and 'you'll be ok' and that isn't true so i don't really know what i should believe anymore. My instincts i suppose. So, basically, i spent a lot of time on my own today and had a lot of time to really think, and, to be blunt, i miss you. Not like i miss Becka or college friends, i genuinely miss you. Like, i was watching Miranda the other day and i laughed at part of it, and i turned to next to me, and kind of went blank because i realized i couldn't laugh with you or talk to you and talk about how funny it was like one of those proper sappy 'wish you were here' moments. :/


This is the part where it gets a bit weird and might make you feel weird or uncomfortable so feel free to skip this part, :/
I don't even know how to say it except, 'i still like you' i guess... to be really truthfully would be to say that i more than like you still, but i won't say it because i know it'd be a waste of words. But it's true. As much as it probably shouldn't be now. I am fully aware you like someone else and are probably set on getting them and everything, so if you want to ignore this, it wouldn't surprise me. You have been the only one who genuinely made me feel good about myself, like all the things you said i was, i actually believed for the first time in my life. Like i was actually worth all that. Which in turn also made me feel like i could do anything and be whatever i wanted to be. Something i've never felt before. Anyway, getting off the topic.


The basic point of this message is that i miss you, maybe i shouldn't, i don't know. And i know my feelings haven't changed since.. I know yours will have, and i am well aware that this probably means nothing, but i just can't hold everything when even talking to you still now, makes me think of all the things we did together and everything that went with it. I still do tbh, every day. And it makes me wonder if you do or whether you forgot/put it to the back of your head and left it and just moved forward because it's what normal people do. And i respect that. Because at the end of the day, i lost you through my anxiety, (which btw is no longer and issue now because its dealt with) and i understand why no one would want someone who is such a permenant mess. And i want you to be happy. Even it doesn't involve me anymore. Because you deserve it. But this is why i value our friendship so much, maybe more than others, because if its the only thing we can be then it's better than nothing, and i cant let myself and dont want to ruin that.


But, i know you probably don't but i remember everything, and it will always be one of the happiest times of my life. So really i should thank you for giving me that tbh. Because no one else ever has. And probably never will. But, something inside me is forever telling me to wait, even if it's for nothing. Because i would, for the rest of my life. Because you can never predict the future.

'Dont judge someone, until you walk a mile in their shoes '

This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy for dreaming of something else.


It's feeling that pit in your chest... that huge, gaping hole that can't be filled that is the cold realization that you have hit the very deepest point of your life. When a want becomes a need. When you throw up your hands and tell yourself it's over... that you can't fight anymore... that you're not worth it anyway. But you cry until you can't breathe, and you hurt until you can't feel, and you scratch and claw at the surface of the rock you're underneath, your nails break and your skins bleeds, and you realize you're still fighting. You're an open wound that never gave up. You can't give up. You realize what you're fighting for is worth it. You realize you're worth it. And they fight back to keep you, and they fight back because they love you. They fight back because you're worth it... the both of you. My heart is a wild thing, but it's beating out of my chest for you.




I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.


If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.


"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
A. A. Milne
From book Winnie the Pooh


Nobody tells me. Nobody keeps me informed. I make it 17 days come Friday since anybody spoke to me.
Eeyore
From book The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne



A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.
--Jonathan Davis

'What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?
What if to get to heaven you had to brave hell?
What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still?'

I've learned that this darkness that seeks to consume my life is only sharing this body with me.  I will press on, sometimes like the living dead, because I have a right to try.  This is my life too and this depression cannot completely define me or I will cease to be.  Fight for your right to life; death will come in its own time.'

'Sometimes I would give anything just to be something more than nothing'

'Eventually we stop looking for the monsters under our bed, when we realize they were inside us the whole time.'



Sparkie.               - ❤ You got a smile, Only heaven can make. ❤ says:
 i know i just feel bad for the guy coz i cant imagine feeling how i do somedays for that long day in and day out

Rebecka says:
 and you know what, it's a good thing you cant imagine it. it means, even though you may not be able to see it this way, that you can see a way out of this darkness.

(Yes, even my closest friend is able to come up with things to say to make it seem better) <3

'Half of the failures in life come from pulling one's horse when he is leaping.'

'When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in the end and hang on.' <3

"You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something." - Eminem

"There was a time when I tried to hurt myself off stage, but I got over that. Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person" G Way.

‎'We all hold these things inside us that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.'

'You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Jut let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. You're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. You just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong. For once you just want it to be easy, to be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping, still wishing. And you're staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You are fighting.'

'Sometimes you love someone so much, that not even the truth can change your mind.'

'Sometime there is nothing to be said. Sometimes nothing should be said. I just want to find someone who won't run away. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it's okay that things don't always go right. That this is how life works, and how it will always work. That it's not going to be easy. Today, tomorrow, the next day, but it will somehow get better.' 

'It sucks, you know. When everything is doing fine then, it all crashes again. And the worst part is,  i really don't want to try and put it all back together again, but i have to.'




'Don't regret anything you do, 'cause in the end, it makes you who you are.'




''Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death saying ''i want to die isn't saying i i want to die''. It's saying 'i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel'. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.'

My Wish, For You.

Dear Becky,

Please don't ever forget this. <3

You are amazing. You are. Truly. I don't care what you say. If i could stamp it permanently 'I am amazing' on your forehead, i would. 

I first met you in college but never really spoke to you, as you kept to yourself and were fairly quiet most of the time. I guess now i know why. Looking back, i did notice you were fairly quiet and kept yourself to yourself. You never bragged or boasted about yourself or anything you'd done. And you were happy to do so. 

We started to talk more and became closer, for reasons I'm still not entirely sure. It's a bit of a blur, but it happened. We talked so much and found we had a lot in common. More importantly, you told me about you, the you that no one else bothers to see or notice. Except me. 

The more time i spent around you and talking to you, the more i noticed it. The lack of communication at lunchtimes, no lunch box, no snacking between lessons. It kinda dawned on me before you even opened up to me about it. The biggest thing in your life that follows you everywhere. Every day. Believe me, i know how that feels. To have a permanent burden on your shoulders.

To have just one person, even one, be able to trust me and have the much faith in me to be able to tell me about all the things you do. About your e.d, daily problems, various people (named Ally) that you like to 'observe' on Youtube ;), whatever it is, it makes me feel somewhat honoured that you let me into your life like that. In return, i know that i can tell you everything i am and have been through, and it doesn't phase you like most.You have never judged me, treated me differently or thought badly of me from the things I've told you and continue to tell me. Instead you are just there, and listen to me, day in day out, moaning about everything, and yet you never get bored of it. It kind of lets me know that there are few people left in this world that do earn my trust without wasting it. 

I am honestly so thankful for meeting you and sharing the 'joys' of college with you. :L you made me feel so much more at ease and less alone because we could share and help each other with each other's situations and problems. We can talk all day or night and always find something or SOMEONE to laugh about or complain about like it's the funniest thing in the world. Whether it's making faces on webcam, taking cows to college, faffing over horses at college, faffing in general, anything, it just makes me laugh even if I'm in the shittiest mood ever. We never argue, fall out or complain about each other because that's what good friendship is.

We have so many memories. From making a new forest pony 'flick flack', SUPERFROG, being on it like sonic, proving to me how you're always right, the amazing fact that you are a wizard, nap times :L, getting overly excited over giraffe and panda onesies, CRY!!!!, going to Blenheim on Cobby, 'why am i ill?' 'because your immune system fails you', 10cm jumping, making Tigger and Shadow gay together.., brushing things under the carpet even thought you don't have a carpet at the time, teaching you to inhale and exhale calmly and not wanting to manage your fucking anger, the CUP incident..., asking if i can check your assignment...and then sending me the whole document on msn!, DEATH POKE!, forever not being able to fit in your room, forever plotting a certain 'sophiiieeeeeeeee's death..with a trowel, accidently calling you Backa.. twice, so many awkward moments concluding to the fact that our lives are in fact one big awkward moment, the E of excitement, THE CATERPILLAR SLEEPING BAG!, invasion of the wasps, when you couldn't fix sticky keys and everything you sent was in code or numbers :L, taking the piss out of Human Centipede and Black Swan, watching Oliy beat you up with THE shark on webcam, care bears for dinner, 'GTFO MUGGLE', The Duck song <3, constantly informing each other of the exciting moment when we need to pee, giving people's name to you for you 'deck', Tumblr... nuff said. I could literally go on for hours, but i won't, except that i still haven't changed my desktop background. ;) i could reel off a million more funny moments and memories we've shared, but that'd be silly, and time consuming. I just hope we have so many more laughs, occurrences and incidents to come this year at college, and whenever we see each other outside college. 

This is going to be the last and most heartfelt and important paragraph ever written now. Be prepared. (:

When you first told me about your e.d, the thing i thought of was not of pity or sorrow that you are going through something like that. It was the thought that i felt suddenly less alone, less lonely, and like i wasn't alone at college, or even in this world. Knowing you, makes me feel like there is at least one other person in the world with even a similar mind set to me. Like there's someone i can relate to and share my deepest thoughts with. And somehow, you are not only always right, but you always know what's best to say, and i feel like you give me more help than any psychiatrist could. Please know this, you are not alone. You may feel lonely, but you are never alone. Not in this big, fat overpopulated world. I hear you when you say no one understands you or 'gets it', and that's granted, because no one can, except you. But, i do as much as is possible, maybe more than most, because i can relate how your mind works to mine but for different reasons. And i care, maybe more than most too, because i have faith in you, and will never give up on you. You're just such a brilliant friend, and have been so amazing to me, accepted me for who i am truly, never judged me once and just let me be me around you. And for that i am forever grateful. So much so that i could cry sometimes. No one has ever done that, and maybe never will fully. I just know i could say anything and everything and it wouldn't make a difference. In return, i give you my trust, something very few have, and know that i am always here for you, to talk to, rant to, cry to, anything. I will listen and help as much as possible and most of all support you. Because you do deserve it, no matter what you think. You do. Because you are worth something to someone. To me. And I'm not sure where I'd be without you rn. Nowhere probably. I have so much love and care for you, and look out for you every day. Because you're worth it and no one should be made to feel alone in their life. 

Much love and hugs, 

Me. <3 xxx

ATTENTION MISS LINKLATER!!!

stop.


fucking.


checking.


my.


blog.


to.


see.


if.


i've.


fucking.


blogged.


yet


!!!!!!!!


coz i haven't....well i have now!! -____-

I guess this would be my mess.

Beginning
When i was 13 i first became aware of how i felt, and after a lot of things happened i guess that's what triggered it, and i became really withdrawn and quiet. Not speaking to anyone, not doing anything. And anything i did that once made me happy, just didn't have the same affect anymore. My mum never approved of anything like different sexualities, and stuff. And always had this view that if you had psychological problems like anxiety or bi polar, you were 'impure' and she had and still has a high expectation of me being this perfect child when I'm not. So i never told her, and never have since. But instead i went to the doctors myself, saw people about it, and they diagnosed me with depression, and later on my bipolar. As everything slowly descended into what seemed a bottomless pit at the time, everything got worse, and by the time i was 14 i was self harming, and did so for about a year continuously. Like it was something beyond my control. It wasn't until me and my current best friend really became close did i start to get better. During this time i attempted twice, both times my best friend being there to help me through it and support me, and with her help i managed to get through it.


Middle
I'm now 17 and until about April/may this year I'd been clean, no self harm and my depression had settled down, but in April, i don't know. Something snapped in my mind set and before i knew it, i was falling again, into that pit. I don't know what happened. It just felt beyond my control again and i didn't know how to get out. I went back to my self harming, which i am now ashamed of my scars that show for it, and my bi polar was worse, i was constantly falling out with and arguing with friends and family, to the point where i lost a few over it because they didn't understand. And my depression just kinda took over my life. Like it was all i could think, nothing made me smile or genuinely happy anymore and i showed no emotion towards anything, which to no surprise, irritated my mum.


End
Anyway, while this was happening i met my now ex-gf. She is amazing, was, is, i don't know. The moment we started talking, i knew there was something about her that just caught my attention. She listened, and cared. She;d been through similar to me so she was the first person who i knew genuinely understood. Or so i thought.. :/ I opened up to her, and told her all about my self harm and everything that was going on inside my head, and she helped me. She helped me stop. And she gave me so many feelings, including falling for her. Long story short, we then went out but split up couple days ago, and that's where i need some help.
She gave me something Ive never felt before, she made me feel good about myself. Like i meant something in this world. After having so many walk into my life, telling me they wouldn't leave and that i meant something to them, only for them to go and leave and leave me to feel the hurt while they walked away. But, she told me she wouldn't leave too, and she did. And yet she still had the nerve to use my anxiety as a reason why she couldn't be with me :/ and i hate myself everyday for being who i am because it will always push people away :/ No one will ever fully understand you, because they aren't you. They can never say 'i know how you feel' because no one ever can, except you.
So now, after feeling like everything i had has left, it's like she took all my feelings inside with her and left me empty. Completely. I haven't laughed or smiled for days. I can physically and mentally feel myself falling.. more than before, back into my old ways. Back into that pit once again, as if its where i belong. I will try my hardest to resist self harming again, because I'm ashamed enough of the scars i have without adding more. But i can't help but feel like just going home (im staying away from home atm) and picking up those blades again. Without hesitation, regret or shame. Or pain. I know i will never get the point where i was suicidal again, because i know doing that would hurt few people around me, and i don't want to hurt them by hurting myself to he point where i give up completely. But it doesn't stop me thinking about it. I wish people around me would realize and understand that this mental and psychological state will be lifelong, bi polar isn't just something you pick up and put down, it's always there.. always behind you, wherever you go. Following you, waiting for you to slip up and turn back..


I wonder how many times you can slip up and fall down, before you just admit defeat and stay down?

My Life in a Post.

Been Riding - 12 years
Fallen Off - Lots, got back on most of the time.
Fav thing to do with a horse - Spend time with my own, Jumping.
Fav Pony - Mine. (: All the ones that have taught me how to ride over the years. <3
Walked - ofc.
Trotted- ofc.
Cantered - ofc.
Galloped- Only on mine.
Jumped - All the time.
Shown on a horse- Yesss, In-hand with mine and SJ.
Done a sponsord ride - Nope.
hacked on your own - Yep
Clipped a horse - Yup
Loaded/unloaded a horse - yess.
Jumped higher than 1ft - Yup
Jumped higher than 2ft ; - yup
Jumped higher than 3ft ; - yup
Jumped higher than 4ft ; - almost.
Jumped a spread - lots
Shared a horse - Rode a friends for her.
Loaned a horse - Once.
Owned a horse - 2
Rode a non-schooled pony - sorta.
Trained horses for people - Re-schooled.
Backed and brocken a horse - nope.
Trained a horse before - yup.
Lunged a horse - Tonnes.
Done western - yup.
Done sidesaddle - Noooooooooo
Done Bareback - Yesssssss
Gone for a good long gallop - yup
Rode a horse far too big for you - Not really ><
Rode a horse far too small for you - when i learnt to ride yeah.
Cleaned a horses hooves - Ofc.
Groomed - Ofc.
Put tack on or off - Ofc.
Been bucked off - Rodeo style yes xD
Reared - OH YES!
Been kicked - once.
Been stood on - Oh yes.