I guess this would be my mess.

Beginning
When i was 13 i first became aware of how i felt, and after a lot of things happened i guess that's what triggered it, and i became really withdrawn and quiet. Not speaking to anyone, not doing anything. And anything i did that once made me happy, just didn't have the same affect anymore. My mum never approved of anything like different sexualities, and stuff. And always had this view that if you had psychological problems like anxiety or bi polar, you were 'impure' and she had and still has a high expectation of me being this perfect child when I'm not. So i never told her, and never have since. But instead i went to the doctors myself, saw people about it, and they diagnosed me with depression, and later on my bipolar. As everything slowly descended into what seemed a bottomless pit at the time, everything got worse, and by the time i was 14 i was self harming, and did so for about a year continuously. Like it was something beyond my control. It wasn't until me and my current best friend really became close did i start to get better. During this time i attempted twice, both times my best friend being there to help me through it and support me, and with her help i managed to get through it.


Middle
I'm now 17 and until about April/may this year I'd been clean, no self harm and my depression had settled down, but in April, i don't know. Something snapped in my mind set and before i knew it, i was falling again, into that pit. I don't know what happened. It just felt beyond my control again and i didn't know how to get out. I went back to my self harming, which i am now ashamed of my scars that show for it, and my bi polar was worse, i was constantly falling out with and arguing with friends and family, to the point where i lost a few over it because they didn't understand. And my depression just kinda took over my life. Like it was all i could think, nothing made me smile or genuinely happy anymore and i showed no emotion towards anything, which to no surprise, irritated my mum.


End
Anyway, while this was happening i met my now ex-gf. She is amazing, was, is, i don't know. The moment we started talking, i knew there was something about her that just caught my attention. She listened, and cared. She;d been through similar to me so she was the first person who i knew genuinely understood. Or so i thought.. :/ I opened up to her, and told her all about my self harm and everything that was going on inside my head, and she helped me. She helped me stop. And she gave me so many feelings, including falling for her. Long story short, we then went out but split up couple days ago, and that's where i need some help.
She gave me something Ive never felt before, she made me feel good about myself. Like i meant something in this world. After having so many walk into my life, telling me they wouldn't leave and that i meant something to them, only for them to go and leave and leave me to feel the hurt while they walked away. But, she told me she wouldn't leave too, and she did. And yet she still had the nerve to use my anxiety as a reason why she couldn't be with me :/ and i hate myself everyday for being who i am because it will always push people away :/ No one will ever fully understand you, because they aren't you. They can never say 'i know how you feel' because no one ever can, except you.
So now, after feeling like everything i had has left, it's like she took all my feelings inside with her and left me empty. Completely. I haven't laughed or smiled for days. I can physically and mentally feel myself falling.. more than before, back into my old ways. Back into that pit once again, as if its where i belong. I will try my hardest to resist self harming again, because I'm ashamed enough of the scars i have without adding more. But i can't help but feel like just going home (im staying away from home atm) and picking up those blades again. Without hesitation, regret or shame. Or pain. I know i will never get the point where i was suicidal again, because i know doing that would hurt few people around me, and i don't want to hurt them by hurting myself to he point where i give up completely. But it doesn't stop me thinking about it. I wish people around me would realize and understand that this mental and psychological state will be lifelong, bi polar isn't just something you pick up and put down, it's always there.. always behind you, wherever you go. Following you, waiting for you to slip up and turn back..


I wonder how many times you can slip up and fall down, before you just admit defeat and stay down?