This is crippling me. Like you're choking me without even touching me. It's tearing me up, down and all over inside me. Inside my mind. Like a part of my mind and self are still attached to you and won't let go. Knowing i should just let go and leave it, but something tells me not to, just another constant inward battle to fight with myself. The ones only i can fight myself, because to anyone else they simply don't exist.
So, being honest here, because it's what people have told me to be. Because i guess you can't really be anything else with stuff like this. But, people also told me things like 'you don't need her' and 'you'll be ok' and that isn't true so i don't really know what i should believe anymore. My instincts i suppose. So, basically, i spent a lot of time on my own today and had a lot of time to really think, and, to be blunt, i miss you. Not like i miss Becka or college friends, i genuinely miss you. Like, i was watching Miranda the other day and i laughed at part of it, and i turned to next to me, and kind of went blank because i realized i couldn't laugh with you or talk to you and talk about how funny it was like one of those proper sappy 'wish you were here' moments. :/
This is the part where it gets a bit weird and might make you feel weird or uncomfortable so feel free to skip this part, :/
I don't even know how to say it except, 'i still like you' i guess... to be really truthfully would be to say that i more than like you still, but i won't say it because i know it'd be a waste of words. But it's true. As much as it probably shouldn't be now. I am fully aware you like someone else and are probably set on getting them and everything, so if you want to ignore this, it wouldn't surprise me. You have been the only one who genuinely made me feel good about myself, like all the things you said i was, i actually believed for the first time in my life. Like i was actually worth all that. Which in turn also made me feel like i could do anything and be whatever i wanted to be. Something i've never felt before. Anyway, getting off the topic.
The basic point of this message is that i miss you, maybe i shouldn't, i don't know. And i know my feelings haven't changed since.. I know yours will have, and i am well aware that this probably means nothing, but i just can't hold everything when even talking to you still now, makes me think of all the things we did together and everything that went with it. I still do tbh, every day. And it makes me wonder if you do or whether you forgot/put it to the back of your head and left it and just moved forward because it's what normal people do. And i respect that. Because at the end of the day, i lost you through my anxiety, (which btw is no longer and issue now because its dealt with) and i understand why no one would want someone who is such a permenant mess. And i want you to be happy. Even it doesn't involve me anymore. Because you deserve it. But this is why i value our friendship so much, maybe more than others, because if its the only thing we can be then it's better than nothing, and i cant let myself and dont want to ruin that.
But, i know you probably don't but i remember everything, and it will always be one of the happiest times of my life. So really i should thank you for giving me that tbh. Because no one else ever has. And probably never will. But, something inside me is forever telling me to wait, even if it's for nothing. Because i would, for the rest of my life. Because you can never predict the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment