For What It's Worth.

'I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think i have it easy? Do they think i have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who i am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things i've had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as i can, and i guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That i never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken i am, and how i'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will ever know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why i am the way i am.'


'I believed you and trusted you when people told me not to. I defended you, and stuck up for you. Instead you broke my heart all over again. I ask myself everyday why i was so stupid. I can only come up with one answer, I'm still in love with you.... Pathetic.'

Dixon. 8 Years & Counting.

My dearest Megan,

You brought tears to my eyes… i am so thankful that i have you in my life, and the fact that my friends are very few does not bother me anymore, for i have you, and having you makes me content and pleased… i am always honoured to be the keeper of your biggest secrets, fears, hopes and dreams. This means the world to me.. and i want you to know that they are never a burden on me. Our friendship is a miracle itself.. a bless.. a strength that enables us to go on along this bumpy road knowing things will be just fine, because at the end of the day, we know we each have someone who cares about us no matter what happens or what wrong we may do.I can never judge you, nor feel agitated about anything you do or say.

Thank you for everything that you are, and everything that you are not. Growing up you were more like my sister than anything else to me. You have loved me on days that I was unlovable, you have pulled me though times when I felt I was drowning in sorrow, and you have definitely cried with me from laughing uncontrollably at time when it wasn't appropriate to even giggle. You have been my best friend since before I knew what the word friend meant. I love you, and I want you to know, feel, and understand just how much you mean to me. You have had to deal with things in your life that I wish I could just erase, and you came though it all a stronger person. Now when I see you, I am simply amazed by you. You have such strength, and pride.

You have been there with me through it all, and I love you more than ever before. I hope that nothing ever comes between our friendship, and that we grow old and grey together. We have to make it through to show everyone that it is possible to have someone so close but so far away. That you do not need to see each other every day to be able to know that there is someone who truly cares about you. I have known you for the best part of 8 years now, and you mean the absolute world to me. I will cherish our memories and the laughs we've shared forever. You matter more to me than anyone on this earth. No matter what happens, i'm always here for you. Although we're young and people say friendships don't last, i promise ours will. No matter where you go or who you become, i will be there with you. You matter so much to me, you're so beautiful and kind and sweet. You make me smile when i least want to, and treat me better than any friend i've ever had or deserve to be. You deserve better than the things you put up with. Never let yourself go. Stay strong and sweet and kind and generous and funny and brave and do great things. You've become the person i care about most, whenever you need anything, i'm here. If you need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a laugh to hear, a hug to feel, words to listen to, anything, i'm always here. you're so beautiful, i couldn't be more proud of you if i tried. You're doing what you love, following your dreams and doing hat you want without regards of what could stop you. And i admire and love you for that. Thank for being the greatest person and friend i will ever meet. And thank you for being the single being inspiration in my entire life. I know in my heart i would not be here without you. I love you so much, thank you for being my best friend.  ♥ ♥ ♥

I Believe in Nothing, But The Truth in Who We Are.

So, before you this, please don't laugh, judge or think i'm joking or anything. Because this was a very serious thing that i had thought of very carefully ad for a long time, because it meant a lot to me to even contemplate such a thing. Also, PLEASE read this all the way through before deciding what to reply because, i've never have, and probably never will tell anyone else in my whole life, and it's important :/

I guess i'll start by saying that when i was younger i saw how relationships and marriages, etc could go so horribly wrong and the arguments, fights, and all the crap that goes with it. And for years afterwards and even now, i always told my mum that i didn't want to get married or go through anything like that, because it can cause so much hurt and problems if it goes wrong afterwards. And still to this day, i still tell my mum that i will only marry if that person is 100% right, and nothing is wrong. Otherwise, i would rather live by myself.

But, i also remember my mum saying that if i found someone who brought out the best in me, or made me the better person i am now, or could just make me happier than ever before, then that would be the person to marry. I don't whether to believe her anymore though, or to just accept i am going to live with myself.

So, this is kind of the big long thought i had for such a long time and kinda meant a lot coz i've never ever felt or thought of someone in this kinda way or been able to visualize something like that happening with anyone. But i basically, when we first went out, i first thought about it, and thought about it more, until i kind of almost certain.. But at the same time slightly dismissed it because i didn't know why i was thinking it. But when we went out again, it just made my mind up. Made me sure and know for definite it was what i wanted. That if it had been long enough, and i knew you wouldn't freak out, i would've married you. Whether it be legal in the UK or not... I would've, happily, and truly. The worst part i guess is that i still would. :/ It was such a beautiful thought to me, and kind of different, and i loved it. And i'll hold it with me forever. Even if we were to never see or speak to each other again in the future. (Which i don't want to happen but still) It was something i wanted more because it would've meant being with you for so long.

Once again, i dont want to make you feel bad or awkward, but just, wanted to tell someone but i know any of my friends would laugh or make silly remarks about it.. :/

The Beginning of the End.

This is crippling me. Like you're choking me without even touching me. It's tearing me up, down and all over inside me. Inside my mind. Like a part of my mind and self are still attached to you and won't let go. Knowing i should just let go and leave it, but something tells me not to, just another constant inward battle to fight with myself. The ones only i can fight myself, because to anyone else they simply don't exist.


So, being honest here, because it's what people have told me to be. Because i guess you can't really be anything else with stuff like this. But, people also told me things like 'you don't need her' and 'you'll be ok' and that isn't true so i don't really know what i should believe anymore. My instincts i suppose. So, basically, i spent a lot of time on my own today and had a lot of time to really think, and, to be blunt, i miss you. Not like i miss Becka or college friends, i genuinely miss you. Like, i was watching Miranda the other day and i laughed at part of it, and i turned to next to me, and kind of went blank because i realized i couldn't laugh with you or talk to you and talk about how funny it was like one of those proper sappy 'wish you were here' moments. :/


This is the part where it gets a bit weird and might make you feel weird or uncomfortable so feel free to skip this part, :/
I don't even know how to say it except, 'i still like you' i guess... to be really truthfully would be to say that i more than like you still, but i won't say it because i know it'd be a waste of words. But it's true. As much as it probably shouldn't be now. I am fully aware you like someone else and are probably set on getting them and everything, so if you want to ignore this, it wouldn't surprise me. You have been the only one who genuinely made me feel good about myself, like all the things you said i was, i actually believed for the first time in my life. Like i was actually worth all that. Which in turn also made me feel like i could do anything and be whatever i wanted to be. Something i've never felt before. Anyway, getting off the topic.


The basic point of this message is that i miss you, maybe i shouldn't, i don't know. And i know my feelings haven't changed since.. I know yours will have, and i am well aware that this probably means nothing, but i just can't hold everything when even talking to you still now, makes me think of all the things we did together and everything that went with it. I still do tbh, every day. And it makes me wonder if you do or whether you forgot/put it to the back of your head and left it and just moved forward because it's what normal people do. And i respect that. Because at the end of the day, i lost you through my anxiety, (which btw is no longer and issue now because its dealt with) and i understand why no one would want someone who is such a permenant mess. And i want you to be happy. Even it doesn't involve me anymore. Because you deserve it. But this is why i value our friendship so much, maybe more than others, because if its the only thing we can be then it's better than nothing, and i cant let myself and dont want to ruin that.


But, i know you probably don't but i remember everything, and it will always be one of the happiest times of my life. So really i should thank you for giving me that tbh. Because no one else ever has. And probably never will. But, something inside me is forever telling me to wait, even if it's for nothing. Because i would, for the rest of my life. Because you can never predict the future.

'Dont judge someone, until you walk a mile in their shoes '

This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy for dreaming of something else.


It's feeling that pit in your chest... that huge, gaping hole that can't be filled that is the cold realization that you have hit the very deepest point of your life. When a want becomes a need. When you throw up your hands and tell yourself it's over... that you can't fight anymore... that you're not worth it anyway. But you cry until you can't breathe, and you hurt until you can't feel, and you scratch and claw at the surface of the rock you're underneath, your nails break and your skins bleeds, and you realize you're still fighting. You're an open wound that never gave up. You can't give up. You realize what you're fighting for is worth it. You realize you're worth it. And they fight back to keep you, and they fight back because they love you. They fight back because you're worth it... the both of you. My heart is a wild thing, but it's beating out of my chest for you.




I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.


If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.


"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
A. A. Milne
From book Winnie the Pooh


Nobody tells me. Nobody keeps me informed. I make it 17 days come Friday since anybody spoke to me.
Eeyore
From book The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne



A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.
--Jonathan Davis

'What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?
What if to get to heaven you had to brave hell?
What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still?'

I've learned that this darkness that seeks to consume my life is only sharing this body with me.  I will press on, sometimes like the living dead, because I have a right to try.  This is my life too and this depression cannot completely define me or I will cease to be.  Fight for your right to life; death will come in its own time.'

'Sometimes I would give anything just to be something more than nothing'

'Eventually we stop looking for the monsters under our bed, when we realize they were inside us the whole time.'



Sparkie.               - ❤ You got a smile, Only heaven can make. ❤ says:
 i know i just feel bad for the guy coz i cant imagine feeling how i do somedays for that long day in and day out

Rebecka says:
 and you know what, it's a good thing you cant imagine it. it means, even though you may not be able to see it this way, that you can see a way out of this darkness.

(Yes, even my closest friend is able to come up with things to say to make it seem better) <3

'Half of the failures in life come from pulling one's horse when he is leaping.'

'When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in the end and hang on.' <3

"You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something." - Eminem

"There was a time when I tried to hurt myself off stage, but I got over that. Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person" G Way.

‎'We all hold these things inside us that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.'

'You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Jut let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. You're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. You just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong. For once you just want it to be easy, to be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping, still wishing. And you're staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You are fighting.'

'Sometimes you love someone so much, that not even the truth can change your mind.'

'Sometime there is nothing to be said. Sometimes nothing should be said. I just want to find someone who won't run away. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it's okay that things don't always go right. That this is how life works, and how it will always work. That it's not going to be easy. Today, tomorrow, the next day, but it will somehow get better.' 

'It sucks, you know. When everything is doing fine then, it all crashes again. And the worst part is,  i really don't want to try and put it all back together again, but i have to.'




'Don't regret anything you do, 'cause in the end, it makes you who you are.'




''Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death saying ''i want to die isn't saying i i want to die''. It's saying 'i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel'. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.'

My Wish, For You.

Dear Becky,

Please don't ever forget this. <3

You are amazing. You are. Truly. I don't care what you say. If i could stamp it permanently 'I am amazing' on your forehead, i would. 

I first met you in college but never really spoke to you, as you kept to yourself and were fairly quiet most of the time. I guess now i know why. Looking back, i did notice you were fairly quiet and kept yourself to yourself. You never bragged or boasted about yourself or anything you'd done. And you were happy to do so. 

We started to talk more and became closer, for reasons I'm still not entirely sure. It's a bit of a blur, but it happened. We talked so much and found we had a lot in common. More importantly, you told me about you, the you that no one else bothers to see or notice. Except me. 

The more time i spent around you and talking to you, the more i noticed it. The lack of communication at lunchtimes, no lunch box, no snacking between lessons. It kinda dawned on me before you even opened up to me about it. The biggest thing in your life that follows you everywhere. Every day. Believe me, i know how that feels. To have a permanent burden on your shoulders.

To have just one person, even one, be able to trust me and have the much faith in me to be able to tell me about all the things you do. About your e.d, daily problems, various people (named Ally) that you like to 'observe' on Youtube ;), whatever it is, it makes me feel somewhat honoured that you let me into your life like that. In return, i know that i can tell you everything i am and have been through, and it doesn't phase you like most.You have never judged me, treated me differently or thought badly of me from the things I've told you and continue to tell me. Instead you are just there, and listen to me, day in day out, moaning about everything, and yet you never get bored of it. It kind of lets me know that there are few people left in this world that do earn my trust without wasting it. 

I am honestly so thankful for meeting you and sharing the 'joys' of college with you. :L you made me feel so much more at ease and less alone because we could share and help each other with each other's situations and problems. We can talk all day or night and always find something or SOMEONE to laugh about or complain about like it's the funniest thing in the world. Whether it's making faces on webcam, taking cows to college, faffing over horses at college, faffing in general, anything, it just makes me laugh even if I'm in the shittiest mood ever. We never argue, fall out or complain about each other because that's what good friendship is.

We have so many memories. From making a new forest pony 'flick flack', SUPERFROG, being on it like sonic, proving to me how you're always right, the amazing fact that you are a wizard, nap times :L, getting overly excited over giraffe and panda onesies, CRY!!!!, going to Blenheim on Cobby, 'why am i ill?' 'because your immune system fails you', 10cm jumping, making Tigger and Shadow gay together.., brushing things under the carpet even thought you don't have a carpet at the time, teaching you to inhale and exhale calmly and not wanting to manage your fucking anger, the CUP incident..., asking if i can check your assignment...and then sending me the whole document on msn!, DEATH POKE!, forever not being able to fit in your room, forever plotting a certain 'sophiiieeeeeeeee's death..with a trowel, accidently calling you Backa.. twice, so many awkward moments concluding to the fact that our lives are in fact one big awkward moment, the E of excitement, THE CATERPILLAR SLEEPING BAG!, invasion of the wasps, when you couldn't fix sticky keys and everything you sent was in code or numbers :L, taking the piss out of Human Centipede and Black Swan, watching Oliy beat you up with THE shark on webcam, care bears for dinner, 'GTFO MUGGLE', The Duck song <3, constantly informing each other of the exciting moment when we need to pee, giving people's name to you for you 'deck', Tumblr... nuff said. I could literally go on for hours, but i won't, except that i still haven't changed my desktop background. ;) i could reel off a million more funny moments and memories we've shared, but that'd be silly, and time consuming. I just hope we have so many more laughs, occurrences and incidents to come this year at college, and whenever we see each other outside college. 

This is going to be the last and most heartfelt and important paragraph ever written now. Be prepared. (:

When you first told me about your e.d, the thing i thought of was not of pity or sorrow that you are going through something like that. It was the thought that i felt suddenly less alone, less lonely, and like i wasn't alone at college, or even in this world. Knowing you, makes me feel like there is at least one other person in the world with even a similar mind set to me. Like there's someone i can relate to and share my deepest thoughts with. And somehow, you are not only always right, but you always know what's best to say, and i feel like you give me more help than any psychiatrist could. Please know this, you are not alone. You may feel lonely, but you are never alone. Not in this big, fat overpopulated world. I hear you when you say no one understands you or 'gets it', and that's granted, because no one can, except you. But, i do as much as is possible, maybe more than most, because i can relate how your mind works to mine but for different reasons. And i care, maybe more than most too, because i have faith in you, and will never give up on you. You're just such a brilliant friend, and have been so amazing to me, accepted me for who i am truly, never judged me once and just let me be me around you. And for that i am forever grateful. So much so that i could cry sometimes. No one has ever done that, and maybe never will fully. I just know i could say anything and everything and it wouldn't make a difference. In return, i give you my trust, something very few have, and know that i am always here for you, to talk to, rant to, cry to, anything. I will listen and help as much as possible and most of all support you. Because you do deserve it, no matter what you think. You do. Because you are worth something to someone. To me. And I'm not sure where I'd be without you rn. Nowhere probably. I have so much love and care for you, and look out for you every day. Because you're worth it and no one should be made to feel alone in their life. 

Much love and hugs, 

Me. <3 xxx

ATTENTION MISS LINKLATER!!!

stop.


fucking.


checking.


my.


blog.


to.


see.


if.


i've.


fucking.


blogged.


yet


!!!!!!!!


coz i haven't....well i have now!! -____-